A Rigid, Self-Imposed Structure
I have been staring at my screen for... I don't know how long, trying to think of something to write about today. Maybe this is where the challenge of writing comes to me. I am not used to this. Almost like standing at the edge of an open field, unsure of which direction to step first. Listening to the silence is both liberating and deafening.
I am going to force myself to believe one day it will be easier and I can be more articulate with my thoughts and ideas. That is the main reason why I am writing this blog. Not to impress someone, but to improve myself.
But it is a tough feeling to get used to. Fighting the desire to be seen and more than that, fighting the desire of not caring how you are seen.
It is rather very easy to get lost trying to fit in somewhere, or trying to be good at whatever you do. It's really hard to allow yourself to just be. It's so easy to say be who you are, but there is a vulnerability to that. At least for someone like me anyway. Writing like this feels like a vulnerability because I am giving my private thoughts a space to exist. This is how I think, this is how I write, and I am not perfect or as amazing as I want myself to be.
Perfectionism is a heavy mask that I carry. Every word I speak and action I take feels scrutinized—not so much by others, but always by me. How can I allow myself to be? How can I allow myself to flow like a river instead of a rigid, self-imposed structure?
Maybe that is why I have decided to write a blog. To allow myself to be seen and let go of the need to place every word perfectly. Even when I am unsure of myself, I have to remind myself, that not everything needs to be perfect; it just needs to be honest.
Maybe being vulnerable isn’t about being fearless but about showing up despite the fear.