I want to live.
A lot of people asked me what my goal in life is. What do you want to be when you grow up? In school whenever that was asked, they all answered ambitiously. I want to be a doctor or an engineer, some said I want to be a lawyer, a journalist and so much more. Some mentioned only how they wanted to study at their dream university.
It's a simple question: What do you want to be, what is your goal? But its so easy to be confused about life ambition, not knowing which path to take. It feels lonely and a little scary when you look around and see all these people have a solid mindset while you feel like you are a small boat sailing aimlessly at the stormy sea.
I had lots of dreams growing up. I wanted to be a singer first because I liked singing. I wanted to be a pianist. There were times I wanted to be a writer. There was once a silly time when I had enough ambition to say I wanted to be a doctor because that is what my father wanted and I wanted to make him proud. Of course, I am nowhere near being in med school and don't want to be. I am not cut out for it.
It was a few years back (when depression hit me around the age of 15) when I realized my dream of becoming a doctor was an empty shell. Before that realization, whenever someone asked me, I would put on a big grin and say I wanted to be a doctor. Sometimes I miss that naive bravery.
There was this one time a highschooler told me that when I grow up I wouldn't to be a doctor anymore. Which I found absurd back then, but I sympathized with the sad look she had on her face. She told me, she too wanted to be a doctor and had high achieving dreams, but It fades away when you get older. You might think it's an odd thing to say to a kid. But I think she wanted to give me a heads up before reality falls right above my head.
And she was right.
For a long time after that phase I had felt lost. I would freeze everytime a grown up would ask me what my aim in life is? where do you see yourself in 10 years? "I don't know man, I am struggling to find a will to live through today, let alone 10 years." But of course, I wouldn't say that. I'd give a vauge answer and let that be.
Even now when someone asks me, I freeze. Because what I want now is so simple, it's almost laughable. How can I tell you that I have been thinking of dying the past years and now...
I just want to live. I want to get out of my survival mode and live my life. Actually love my life. I want to see the world and all its beauty. I want to go on walks and not feel so self-conscious.
I want to feel comfortable in my own skin and be proud of my body. I want to write about life, write about the people around me. I want to read books, so many books, I wouldn't mind if I lived in a library.
I don't want to have thoughts of dying or wish I didn't exist anymore. I don't want to feel like my life is such a burden. I don't to run away from my memories like monsters chasing me.
I want to live and I want to be happy. Not by the rich things in life, but the simplest most ordinary things. I just want to live.
It’s the simple things in life that are the most extraordinary