If I have to live a lifetime to heal myself...
As I am fast approaching my 20s (I'm not there yet; I'll be 20 in February), I have been wondering about myself: where I am going, what I am doing, what my value is, what I am good at, and so on.
Many scattered questions and ideas are floating in the vast ocean which I call my mind. The more I try to ponder on them, the less tangible the answers seem to be. From my teens to young adulthood, I can feel the weight of my existence more and more as days fly by me.
The weight of expectations almost bury me alive — I need to get a job, I need to do well in college, I need to find my own place in the world. I have to build my own life.
On days like this, I doubt the shaky foundation I am trying to build myself upon. The many ways I have cracks and holes, any moment I might just collapse. I don't trust it. I can't trust it. There are too many flaws and too many things in need of repair. Do I stay here and try to mend the wounds and repair the wreckage? Or do I go out and explore; find new ways to build upon something other than myself?
Am I not so incredibly behind? While others are out there finding their way in life, I am here trying to fix the way I am?
That is when I have to remind myself, it is not a race. Life isn't a race and there isn't an end goal. It's all about the journey and lessons we learn. It doesn't matter if someone is out there trying to build their career or going out to different countries. It doesn't matter if someone is richer than me or has more skills than I do.
As I sit with these thoughts, I realize this: flawed and shaky as my foundation may be, it is still mine. Each cracks and holes tell a story about me and bear witness to my journey.
If I have to live a lifetime to heal myself, then so be it. Even the most weathered foundations, when cared for, can hold beauty and strength.