If only I could tell you, I am not fine
A little disclaimer, this post might be a little depressing.
If only I had the courage, I would tell you I am not fine. I would tell you I still struggle to find my way through the mazes of my mind. I would tell you, that sometimes everything feels so blurry, I don't know what to think.
If only I had the courage, I would tell you some monsters live inside my head and I wage wars almost every day. Sometimes even when I try to remind myself, and distract myself, I still struggle to win against them.
I would tell you that on days when I seem disconnected and far away, unthoughtful and apathetic, it's not because I don't care about you. It's because I have become too tired trying to stay afloat.
If I had the courage I would tell you, I am hurt and sad. That something happened to me which left me wounded, battered, almost at the brink of insanity.
If only I had the courage, I would be honest with you. Sometimes I struggle to function like a normal person, and I feel broken. I look at these people around me and they make me feel like I have a hole inside my chest.
I am scared, anxious, and insecure about my existence. If only I had the courage, I'd ask you to understand me and see me for who I am, not my make-believe charade.
I would tell you I am sorry for the ways I disappointed and let you down. But I promise I am trying.
I promise I am trying to heal, silently, as patiently as I can be with myself.
But somedays... I am just not fine.
It is very painful to realize how little I'm prepared. It really is painful to compare myself to functional people and realize the horrifying deficiency that I've been left with.