Maybe depression isn't a grave you dug.
Instead of depression
Instead of depression,
try calling it hibernation.
Imagine the darkness is a cave
In which you will be nurtured
By doing absolutely nothing.
Hibernating animals don't even dream.
It's okay if you can't imagine
Spring. Sleep through the alarm
of the world. Name your hopelessness
a quiet hollow, a place to go
to heal, a den you dug,
sweetheart, instead
of a grave.
- Andrea Gibson
I found this poem recently, and it really changed me. For the past few months, I have been going through a lot. This resulted in my falling into depression. Falling into hopelessness and helplessness. I felt almost ashamed of myself. Paralyzed and unable to do anything. I could barely manage my daily chores. I kept piling up work and stopped talking with people. (Shout out to my fav coping mechanism- ✨isolation✨)
Negative self-talk and self-hate were drowning my system, and I could barely stay afloat. But deep down inside me, I knew I would get up again. This is just another depressive episode, and after a few days, maybe weeks, I will be back to functioning like a normal human again. I just.. need to let myself sit through this.
But as days passed by, nothing in me changed, and I felt myself urging to get up. I was down on my knees, and now at this point, lying on the ground, raising my white flags. I don't want to get up. What's the point of trying? It's going to get worse again.
If I am honest... rock bottom feels comforting. It feels solid. Like that quote from Sylvia Plath.
'The floor seemed wonderfully solid. It was comforting to know I had fallen and could fall no farther.'
And then I found this poem, and I thought... maybe... just maybe, depression isn't a self-dug grave, but a cave to rest when the world overwhelms and squeezes every bit of energy I have. Maybe I just need to stay here at this rock bottom and allow myself to be absolutely nothing. I know I will start the climb again. I always did. But for now, I can rest. It's okay to rest. It's okay to just be nothing.