Shadows of trauma and the fractured sense of self.
Trigger warning- SA, trauma and such topics, please read with caution.
I leave the room, too, but I’m not part of them. They’re the same, but I’m changed. I’m unhuman now. Untethered. While they walk across campus, earthbound and ordinary, I soar, trailing a maple-red comet tail. I’m no longer myself; I am no one. I’m a red balloon caught in the boughs of a tree. I’m nothing at all.
If you asked me which book impacted me the most, I would tell you about "My Dark Vanessa" by Kate Elizabeth Russell. It haunted me, wrecked me and changed me. This book felt personal to me because I have went through something similar. Not exactly the teacher-student dynamic, but something similar.
I won't go into summarizing the plot, aside from saying its a story about the abusive relationship of a 15 year old girl and her teacher. For this post I will mostly write about my own thoughts and feelings.
I did not enjoy reading My Dark Vannesa. It was a horrific ride where I felt my stomach turning and going into breakdowns. This book felt real, the way it was written, so vivid and personal, I could feel all the emotions.
The first question that comes to mind is, why did I read this book? I mentioned in my previous post, I am never good at voicing my own thoughts. I obsess over quotes and words written by other people, because I can't describe my own.
So I wanted to read something that might help me find my voice, and I found an odd kind of solace after finishing this book. To know I am not crazy or too sensitive, and my experience can be described. Doesn't matter if its written by me or someone else.
I have disassociated most of my life and was always in a disorganized state. So honestly speaking, even while reading this book, I dissociated. I had emotionally shut down and I went through pages of the books without feeling anything. So it's still very challanging for me to write.
One of the main thing that stick to me the most is perhaps her fragmanted sense of self, and how I could painfully relate to that. Even though, I don't want to read the book again for how much it stirs things inside me, I might need to read it again if I want to articulate my thoughts.
In my opinion, the book explores perfectly what C-PTSD is like and how trauma casts a huge shadow around our life. Even after how years passed, it's still there and haunts us. Manipulation, shame, guilt all of it was well put. Some people, for some odd reason, might think the book romantisizes the relationship, but that is never the case. Just like Lolita, you need a critical lense while reading the book. You have to keep in mind, Vanessa is an unrealiable narrator.
Would I recommend this book to anyone? Not really in the sense that, I wouldn't recommend if you can't stomach it. But you do decide to read and brave to do so, its an incredible book. It's a must read and one of those books that never leave you. That is all I will write about for now. Maybe in the future, I will try and explore this topic more. For now, I will leave a quotes from the book here at the end. For anyone who reads this, thanks for sticking, see you next time :)
Through it all, I’m only half there. My brain feels split, one part in the moment, the other existing within all the things that have happened to me.