What mountain gave me such shame?
I am afraid that if I open myself I will not stop pouring. (Why do I fear becoming a river. What mountain gave me such shame?) - Jamie Oliveria
Today, I have a lot on my mind. Bear ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ with me, as I try to untangle myself.
It seems healing from childhood has many layers. When I think I have uncovered enough, suddenly something else surfaces and I am left with that. Clueless, a little lost, and sad about what I should do with this new information I have just dug up.
Yesterday, through an interaction, I discovered how much anxiety I have about my friendships. My friends are great people; they never put pressure on me or expect me to be a certain way. I am glad I managed to find friends like that.
But my people-pleasing tendencies and the pressure of being the 'perfect' friend have a chokehold on me. I have a fear of disagreeing with something. I fear I said the wrong thing, or I should have conveyed myself in a different manner.
I wonder how I managed to put so much pressure on myself. What is the root cause of it? Why do I hold myself to such high expectations, while I try to have no expectations from others? Why does every word need to be right and perfect?